Newcomer.

Go to parent forum (Introductions)

Submitted by blossom60 on Mon, 08/02/2010 - 23:54.

Hi, this is my first post on this forum. My husband and I are legal guardians to our 9 year old, wonderful grandson who has a diagnosis of ASD (high performing). Our grandson came to live with us three years ago (we're younger grandparents) and has settled really well but we are coping with violent meltdowns at home on a regular basis. My husband seems to be the target, I'm rarely hit or kicked. It upsets us so much to see our little boy in such torment. Interestingly he attends a mainstream junior school (on a full time statement) where he has never had a melt down and where he only rarely is involved in incidents with other children.

Our house is falling down around our ears.. we've had a brand new tv smashed, wallpaper stripped off walls, food thrown against walls, etc etc. Last year he managed to find a single box of matches in a top locker hidden in a jug and within just a minute or two while I was on the phone he had set the kitchen alight!!!

Despite all that, we wouldn't swap him for the world. He's bright...extremely funny and affectionate. This week he wants us to call him Steak Man and last week he kept telling us that he is a Buddhist without having a clue what that means! We are gaining more than we are losing.

Submitted by Josie Barnshaw on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 00:22.

Hi Paula

Welcome to the group. My son was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome which is also high functioning. He is now 14 and only in the last couple of years have his "meltdowns" become less frequent (right now I am talking about one every couple of months as far as the really severe ones go). He can still be verbally abusive but the physical abuse has reduced dramatically.

Like yourself he restricted his "meltdowns" to the home and I think this is quite common. Most of the time Tom's meltdowns have been as a result of frustrations experienced at school (he was and still is in mainstream education). I suspect he (and others) know just how far they can go and with whom and therefore keep their frustrations for family as they are more familiar with us and know how we will react to it.

I tend to wait until Tom has calmed down after a meltdown and then sit and quietly discuss it and reinforce the inappropriateness of some of his actions, ie, destroying property, physical violence, self harm, etc. Another suggestion would be to have a chat to him on a quieter day and give him some alternative things to do when he is frustrated/angry like punching a cushion, screaming into a cushion. Another possibility is writing down what he is angry about and scrunching up the paper or ripping it. It might also be useful to try to get to the root of what causes his meltdowns and maybe get him to recognise the triggers and either avoid them or take action before he gets to the point of no return with his frustrations.

Hope some of this helps. If you have any specific questions or concerns please feel free to ask.

Josie - Community Champion

Submitted by Snowdrop on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 01:44.

Hi and welcome to the forum

I have a 4 year old son who was diagnosed last year with ASD. He is quite a passive child but will lose his temper & slam doors & throw things when he doesn't get his own way. Most recently he threw a chair a across the room at a speech therapy appointment. Even at this age, he never acts like this at school & only seems to act like it in front of other people when I am in the room with him.

Josie has given you some great advice, another idea could be to get a punch bag for him to take his frustrations out on.

Do look around the forum as I'm sure you'll find lots of helpful information and as Josie has said, do feel free to ask any specific questions.

Tracy - Community Champion

Submitted by Elena Goodrum on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 10:47.

Hi Paula, we're really happy to have you here! I look forward to hearing more about your grandson. I also wanted to let you know that meltdowns come up a lot here in this discussion forum, and in particular here are a couple of discussions which may have some useful information for you:

Meltdowns

Meltdowns - aggression/violence

Please let us know if there's anything else you're looking for! : )

-elena

Submitted by Leanne on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 13:25.

Hi Paula

Welcome to the forum.. my youngest (who is 8 with autism) seems to be worse with the people that are nicest with him.The stricter you are the better he behaves.. consequently he is fab at home but can be a little toad at school :)

Are you getting any help with your grandsons meltdowns ??

Leanne - Community Champion

Submitted by blossom60 on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 18:56.

The school are wonderfully supportive and work closely with us. Its when we're in the cauldron though and its all kicking off, as it has just this evening that we feel most isolated. Not what we were planning to do with our lives once our children had grown up! He is a wonderful lad however, and we love him to bits and wouldn't be without him. Its so upsetting to see him in such rages. Sometimes I can calm him by wrapping him in a fleece blanket and rocking him....or I try diversionary tactics. I'm not sure that we're teaching him how to deal with these emotions however. My husband and I actually had an appointment with the local CAMHS team last year only to be told that we were doing all that we could and we didn't need CAMHS. Recently though, we've been told that CAMHS are better focussed to work with autistic children in this area and might consider working with him.

Everything seems to be a battle.

Submitted by bumblebee on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 19:07.

Hi Paula and welcome to the group,

It is so distressing to see someone you love so much in so much turmoil and distress. I am mum to 3 children with ASD/AS and there is such a big hole in services for us and our children so unfortunately getting help is usually a big fight.....

Have you heard of the incredible 5 point scale? it is a programme made for children with asd to help them begin to understand and self monitor their emotions....it is available in the book section on amazon. I bought it a while ago and it is fantastic.

Claire - Community Champion

Submitted by blossom60 on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 20:14.

Thank you Claire for the advice. I have been straight to Amazon and ordered the book.

Submitted by Leanne on Tue, 09/02/2010 - 20:25.

Yes it is pretty relentless.. it may well be worth giving the CAMH another go. They should definately be able to work with you on strategies to help him control his emotions and vent his frustrations in a more appropriate way.

I did the blanket thing with Alistair not long after he came to live with me.. it was the only way to calm him. I was black and blue by the time he had calmed but after a couple of times of doing that he seemed to calm - he really hated being wrapped up and when he went to kick off I reached for the blanket and he stopped.

Leanne - Community Champion

Submitted by Josie Barnshaw on Wed, 10/02/2010 - 00:15.

Hi Paula

I agree with Leanne that it's worth giving CAMHS another go. I used to physically restrain Tom when he was younger by enfolding him in arms and legs from the back which only works until about 4/5 years after which it is just impossi ble to do. Also the therapists at CAMHS were horrified when I told them, but Tom did not fight this in fact it turned out that due to sensory issues he actually like this and still does prefer to be held in bear hugs rather than gentle hugs.

I really think the best way to approach this is to get to the bottom of what is causing the aggression and trying to resolve whatever it is, it may just be he is frustrated about something. Hopefully CAMHS should be able to get to the root of it with some cognitive behavioural therapy and maybe some anger management. My son had both of these, in fact anger management twice, once when he was 7 and again when he was 11 and it did help.

Josie - Community Champion